Designing through depression
Morning friends! I feel like I need to do an introduction this cold Wednesday morning to the new me, that many of you may not know. I have been struggling sharing things because I feel like I am still in the middle of the biggest trial of my life and it’s hard to share things when many of you don’t know what’s been going on. So, let’s get real today…
For those of you who are new, I am a 26 year old wife and mama to two, one who is two👶🏼and one who just recently entered the gates of Heaven👼🏼. I lost my little girl Carter Jean in September at 30 weeks after a perfectly healthy pregnancy. This has been such a trying time and today I am ready to share more about it. Job wise, I am most importantly a stay at home mama but I also am an Interior Decorator running my own business. I love to write and share my work and I have been healing through decorating my own home during this journey. I love this space we have here to share and inspire each other and my hope is that this helps someone else heal in the same way that I have by writing this.
4 months postpartum from the loss of my baby girl… instead of juggling loads of laundry and two kids, my empty arms have cause me to juggle depression, anxiety, weight issues and many more problems. These issues have been daily challenges and things I have to fight from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep. Some days they win, some days I win.
I feel like God has had me silent for quite some time to learn more about him and grow in a more intimate relationship with Him. With loosing my daughter, I thought that I would have a short moment of grief and that I could go on with my life like normal. I was so so wrong. At Carter’s death, I had the most intimate experience that I have ever had with Jesus. I have never felt closer to Jesus than I did during her loss. It was the most incredible thing I have ever been apart of. After her loss, I felt a peace like never before and I felt positive that I could get through this trial.
However, fast forward to the holidays, postpartum and real grief started sneaking slowly into my life. I was struggling with just getting through each day because of my postpartum and all the things that I had also been struggling with <my weight, anxiety, my marriage, and my relationship with Jesus>. I lost my identity through motherhood and I had no clue what I was supposed to be and how I was going to get out of this awful fog.
Fast forward to today, I am still struggling each day but unlike then I now have such a great hope for the future. I started talking with a life coach(total life saver) who helps me daily with my new goals. I am 14 pounds lighter due to my new healthy lifestyle, I am in the Bible daily and in prayer multiple times each day, I am doing better with a making schedules for us to accomplish things each day, I am working on our marriage, and I am starting to write again(which is why this post is so healing), I am apart of the vocal team at church, I am hitting postpartum in the face by changing my all natural mindset and deciding that maybe medicine wasn’t the worst idea.
I am celebrating with you today through this introduction post because through this entire journey, God has not left my side. He promised to walk with me through this valley and he continues to do so daily. I always thought about a valley being a hard place to be, but never thought about the climb to get out of a valley. Climbing a mountain is no joke. It is a slow grueling process that can wear you down and yet make you grow all at the same time. I am not that the top of my mountain yet, but I do see that I am getting up one step at a time. One day at a time, all with Jesus by my side.
So for those of you who are climbing your own mountain today, I am cheering you on and praying that you continue on this journey and you do not loose your faith. One thing I know is that many of you are dealing with depression and anxiety just like I am, and I want you to know that you are not alone in this battle. This stuff is real. It’s not something some millennial came up with, it’s real and life altering. I was reading today about Martha in the Bible and her own struggles with being anxious. Jesus noticed it. It’s not new, but it is powerful and painful.
So to my new friends, and daily supporters I am here for you and I am glad you are here for me cheering me on in this journey. Thank you for letting me design through my depression and thank you for letting me share things that bring me so much joy!
To my sweet baby Carter,
what your life has given me is the ability to trust God in a way that I never could have experienced otherwise. There is such a freedom that comes from completely and wholeheartedly handing over my days to God. Everyday that she did not grow inside of me anymore, I had to hand that day over to God and just pray that he would give me the strength to survive the next. After living through what we experienced losing Carter, the only thing I can do day in and day out is remember that my God is faithful and mighty to save. He rescues his people in their day of trouble. He walked with me through my darkest valley, he promised me he would never leave me and he continues to walk with me as I try to climb to the peak.
If you have any questions or need a sister to walk with you through your journey, please do not hesitate to reach out. I am here and wholeheartedly waiting for you ❤️