Healing from what we don’t discuss…

Taking care of myself…something I haven’t done in a very long time. In over two years I’ve had not one night of full sleep, gained 40 pounds, had one weekend away, probably had like 6 showers *hello dryshampoo* five of those were while holding a squirmy slippery baby boy.

In just two years, I’ve delivered two babies {one of which drains every ounce of energy I have daily, the other I never held breathing}. In just two years I’ve had a c-section, and a birth of a still born. In just two years, I have lost every ounce of what I thought was myself becoming something I hoped for for so long, a mother. I have given every ounce of who I am to become the mother I always wished to be. I could not be more grateful that God has allowed me to fill this role, but now I am seeing the repercussions to giving ALL of me.

I have not taken care of my self and because of that I have ended up with countless nights of tears, struggling with who I am and what I’ve become. I have given everything to becoming a good momma but I found myself confused and completely out of touch with who I am.

It feels like these last two years have been the most trying years of my life. They have been full of times when trials have continued, and just when I think there over, another one happens. Times of high hills and the darkest valleys.

I found myself in an incredibly disappointing place — a place I didn’t want to be — a very long season of suffering that just goes on and on. A time where you look in the mirror and you see you have become someone you don’t want to be {tired, sad, disappointed, hurt, anxious and worried}. I found myself alone, not sharing this with those I love because I was ashamed and embarrassed that I couldn’t be what they needed because I myself needed so much help.

It’s so easy to start feeling that some of God’s good plans don’t apply to us when we are in these times. It’s okay, if like me, you were there or are there. If I have learned anything through this dark valley, it’s that so many of us struggle with things and WE NEVER TALK ABOUT IT. Why is that? Why is it not okay to share what’s going on in our lives? Why can’t we see the good and the bad?

I heard a sermon recently about how when so many of us struggle with things and brush it off by saying, “but I am so blessed”…like it shouldn’t be affecting us. The preacher took that notion and related it to Jesus being crucified. Like what if he just walked down the road, carrying the cross saying, “Y’all, it’s okay…I’m so blessed”. What a SHAM that story would be! Jesus walked down that road, he felt pain, he suffered and he shed tears so we could relate to Him and so we could see his pain. He also did that so we could see that he knew there was light ahead! He knew there was hope for a better future and he knew this pain and suffering was only temporary.

Y’all, we have to share. We have to let each other see our pain, feel our hurts and also see our hope. Jesus did.

I have to share, because this sham of a life I have been living, one that hides my true pain has gotten me to my lowest, where I had to reach out for help. My life coach and my therapist( yes, I finally got both and boy was that a hard) both helped me get to the realization that ”I can not take care of those who I need to , if I dont first take care of myself.” We must use these trials to mold us into what he wants us to be.

If we want to see Him in our circumstances and see His perspective, we must seek Him, His ways and His Word. That’s where we find His good plans and promises for hope and a future. Let’s cry out to Him in the midst of our suffering. Let’s earnestly seek Him and ask Him to help us look at our circumstances through the lens of His love instead of a lens of disappointment. We are not forgotten or forsaken. And our longsuffering won’t seem nearly as long or nearly as painful when we know God’s perspective is to use every single second of our suffering for good.

The truth is, God is closer than we often realize. He sees things we don’t see, and He knows things we don’t know. He has a perspective from where He is that allows Him to see all things — the past, the present and the future — from the day we are conceived to the day we breathe our last breath and even beyond that into eternity. He is the One who will sustain us. And He is more than able to bring His plans to pass.

I pray that we can get real, like really real and have friendships and relationships where we can talk about the things we truly struggle with. We may not know the details of His good plan, but we can all make His goodness the starting place for renewing our perspectives.

So mamas, daddy’s, friends: let’s get real this Christmas season and share the hope of Christ in ways like never before. Let’s work on ourselves and our relationships with Christ and others and let’s not be ashamed. Let’s encourage each other and have grace for each other as we all walk challenging roads and are molded in to who our GOOD God wants us to be. ❤️

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