On my due week
Sweet sweet due week. I remember talking about this week the day I found out I was pregnant. We talked about how crazy it would be to deliver right around Thanksgiving and how nervous I was to miss my grandmas dressing and turkey. I was hoping the hospital served something amazing on Thanksgiving. I was so sad we would have to miss our tree picking trip with the family, and that Camden wouldn’t get to have fun with his cousins in the mountains. This week had so many plans that were mine, and were wrong.
This week, we will eat dressing, we will eat turkey and we will soon travel to get our tree. We will sit as a family of three at the dinner table, the only thing different from this year to last is that one of our babies is in heaven.This year the holidays have a totally new meaning.
My feelings of relief that we have survived this tough time have subsided and the reality that we have a baby sized urn in my little girls room instead of a bassinet has really been sinking in. This grief continues to sneak up. It has been so challenging to work through. I was in no way equipped with the skills needed to get though this.
I would like to say the reality is that I haven’t been writing more of our story now because we’ve been so good, but the truth is I have been struggling with anxiety, moments of unwavering grief and just trying to figure out who I am supposed to be in this new season God has laid out for us.
I keep forgetting I actually had a child and all the hormones that go insane after childbirth. I’m not sure if it’s an ounce of postpartum, or just anxiety from finally seeing I have no control over things. I am seeing that this grief has affected me so much more than I ever thought it could and I just can’t shake it. I don’t think I ever will, I just have to learn how to balance it and life.
Going through the hardest thing I have ever been through and seeing God move in ways that I have never seen before was the most BEAUTIFUL thing I have ever been apart of. I am so grateful he has put us through this, as weird as that feels to say. I felt like God was truly being glorified and that his work was CLEARLY being done. We had so many amazing conversations with others, even complete strangers…it was beautiful.
To come from that HIGH and see the calls, cards, and story’s diminish has been so hard.
Its been so hard to go from the sheer beauty of actually seeing God move to our normal life, full of less of these incredible moments…I know, I know… every day can’t be a high, but believe me, seeing God move is something you never want to be away from once you experience it. Everything else apart from that seems so pointless and it’s made me straight up sad some days. I want that all over again. I want to see God us this pain in ways I can’t comprehend. I want to clearly see God’s plan…yet I know I can’t always do that.
I feel like every ounce of pain has been such an invitation from God to heal my broken heart. I know that the same God who has given me Camden is the same God who has had my little girl enter the gates of Heaven so soon. The same God can’t be both good and bad. I know he is good. I know all this pain has a purpose, but I also fight daily to believe that when I only wish to hear my baby girls cry instead looking at her urn.
This Thanksgiving, I have SO much to praise God for. The things he has done for me, the people he has blessed me with, the opportunity to be a mother. All of this I can only be incredibly thankful for.
This is going to be a long road ahead of us. It’s going to take much more work than I thought. One thing I know for sure is that my Good God hasn’t left my side once…and for that I am the most thankful!
Please continue to reach out, check in and don’t be afraid to ask about my baby girl this holiday season. I want to talk about her. I am so grateful for all of you who have been encouraging us through this time. Keep it up❤️