n the last two weeks, we have experienced unexplainable peace and sadness simultaneously. Never did I once think we would be here, early September with an empty closet and no baby. I never though I would say this, but I miss being pregnant so much. […]
Month: October 2018
One week ago I went for a normal glucose test in a healthy pregnancy to find no heartbeat. We checked into the hospital after coming home and telling our little boy bye. Around 7, the first round of medicine was given to start the most unnatural birth a mother could ever want. I labored all night and even the next day. I prepared myself for seeing her and I could not wait to spend that time with her. Fast forward to 4:30, my water broke and my baby girl came out about a minute later. The second my water broke, my heart broke in a way that it has never broken before. I felt an emptiness I would never wish on any mother. The excitement to see her shattered when I saw a glimpse of her body. She was sick, severely undeveloped and as a mother I could barely take it. That moment by far has been the most tragic thing I have ever gone through in my life. I could barely breathe looking at her, but even then somehow there was a small voice still saying, “that is not her”. Somehow in the worst moment in my life there was still a peace that only a good God could provide.
As I held her for the few minutes I mentally could, I kept thinking about how grateful I was that she was no longer in that body, so thankful that she was no longer suffering. I know that that peace and understanding only comes from my relationship with Christ. We knew that our baby girl was in heaven and because of the Gospel, we know that we’ll be able to see her again. The sadness will continue and our family will always feel like there is someone missing, but we have seen God’s goodness and His grace in a way that a lot of people NEVER experience in their entire lifetime.
Trust me when I say we still serve a good God.
Today we pick up the ashes of our baby girl. Since we didn’t spend much time with her, the funeral home gave us the opportunity to see her again and after much prayer, we decided against it. This has been such a hard decision. We miss her so much. We still need your prayers and encouragement to walk through this time. Today will be hard but I do know that God will not give us any more than we can handle and he will carry us through this valley. I also know that he is a GOOD God.
I must start by saying thank you to all of you who have reached out to us. We have read, cried and smiled over each message. I must encourage you to continue to help us walk through this. Please reach out to us and be a part of this with us.
There is no coincidence that we lay on a hospital bed during our four year anniversary. God had and still has all of this in His plan. This has made me realize that there is so much more of my life that God desires to be a part of. There is so much more that He’s asking me to trust Him with. I’ve learned what it means to truly believe in the promises of scripture instead of just having them memorized in my head.
Our lives are not our own. We don’t exist just to live, work, and try to survive what life throws at us. That would be such a SAD life, and there has to be a bigger story for the world. Life has to exist for something more. God is writing a story in everyone’s life but it’s up to each one of us to choose to allow Him to change us. Allowing God to transform us, teach us, and carry us through losing Carter is ultimately going to be a turning point in our life.
We’re going to look back on this season years from now and realize that we became more of who God designed us to be because our little girl existed.
Carter’s life is a purposeful part of our story.
Thank you once again for being with us through this. It’s amazing to see how many of you have gone through this same tragedy. Please keep encouraging, praying and loving on us.