Today has been another one of those hard grieving days. I had an appointment with a Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor to discuss some tests that came back as well as plans for future pregnancies.
Not only did I have to relive every second of my pregnancy and discuss that with them, but I had to talk about how she looked and what I saw when we delivered. Those words hit me like a missile. A missile of reality that I have been hiding in my business.
It was the first time in a while, I was STILL and I was really thinking about all we’ve been through.
Today I realized that I am grieving through being busy. The more I do, the less I feel. It helps me not think about the details or fall into the trap of bad thoughts. Camouflaged by fatigue, I feel safe…safe from the sounds of quite. Rest has been my enemy and I keep convincing myself that “busier is better”. Then, like today I am hit with this missile of reality and it slows me down and makes me cringe in pain of the flashbacks to this loss.
Today, the questions were centered on “will I loose another child?” Through those words, I realize, that along with hiding my grief through business, control is also another wound that I clearly have not completely healed.
The doctors think it is just a “single, non-reoccurring event”. And I am so hopeful that they are right…I think today I realized, maybe controlling my schedule is helping because that’s all I feel I have control over now. I think for the first time in my life, today I truly understood that I really have NO control. Today, that both scared me and made me draw closer to God.
It so easy to say, “His plans are better than mine”. But changing your plan for your life, is not always as easy as one thinks it will be. Today, the doctor said we should wait a year before even trying to have another child. A year? Wait, what? That’s not the plan I thought our family had. Camden won’t have a friend, he will be too old to enjoy hanging out, It will be too much of a gap….I immediately saw that I still wanted to have control of God’s plan for our lives. I saw that I have not COMPLETELY given everything over to him. Even now, after all we’ve been through, I was already planning for number 3, I had already started to take the reins back from God.
Even though today was hard, I am so grateful for this reminder. I am so grateful for a God who is rich in mercy and full of grace even when I am so undeserving. I am so grateful for a God who waits on me even when I am trying to make my own plans instead of following his and truly trusting Him. I am grateful for God showing me that without rest, I will not heal. I will continue to keep up with my 20 other commitments, continue falling in my bed overwhelmed by fatigue and I will continue to take control over my life in a way that is not completely relinquishing it to God.
Until now, I have thought I have been handling grief in a positive manner but I now am seeing how I’m also hiding my grief through business. Today reminded me that I need to be still and slow down. I need to be with God in a way that will only bring us closer. I need to give him complete and total control of my life. That includes our family and our future.
Grief has been such a crazy journey already. One I thought I was prepared for…boy was I wrong. I am learning so much about myself through it and I am learning that the more I depend on myself, the harder life becomes. But, in the moments of being still, I can remember that all of this is in God’s plan for my life and that his plans for me are always IMMEASURABLY MORE than I could ever imagine. In the moments of stillness I am reminded of my GOOD GOD and his deep love for me.