“Even when my strength is lost, I’ll praise you. Even when I have no song,I’ll praise you. Even when it’s hard to find the words,
Louder then I’ll sing your praise.”
It was all we could do, cry and pray. The doctor told us, since there no risk to my health, we could choose to deliver whenever we wanted to. He gave us the option of delivering that afternoon. We told him we would leave and think about it and we headed to the car for the most surreal conversation…“when do we want to deliver our baby who has no breath?” Our hearts hurt and our thoughts were running wild but all we could do is remind each other that this was still God’s plan…Even though it hurt…more than words can describe.
“Even when it’s hard to find the words,
Louder then I’ll sing your praise.” So many times we sang these lyrics, never once did we truly know how hard this really was, until now.
I have never been more grateful to have a spouse. We rode home and made the decision to deliver that afternoon. My parents were watching Cam for my doctors appointment, so it worked out for them to stay the night. (Our first time ever away from Cam)…talk about hard… When the time came, we started to say our goodbyes and Camden made some “baby Carter” comment. I LOST it. In that moment I saw how different our life was about to be. How do we teach a Him that his baby sister is in Heaven when he is still a baby himself?! He understood so much of my pregnancy, I knew it was going to be a tough concept to teach. We were all crying and my daddy used that moment to pray for us all. We held each other sobbing and praying that we would have peace about this and that God’s will would be done.
Terrified, we rode to the hospital and ended up parking in wrong place. We walked up to a man who worked for the hospital, bags in tow and asked where the Labor and Delivery unit was. He started panicking and told us he would immediately call for a ride. I didn’t understand his panic for a little, until I realized he thought I was in labor. He kept checking on me to see if I was okay.
Right then I saw it clearly. I saw how this would impact others. I could use this moment to be mad at him for assuming and start crying, or I could use this as a way to shine a light some don’t ever get to see. I had to make a choice to either keep my secret or tell him my pain and my baby’s story. I knew this would be how every situation would be from here out. I could just ball up and cry, hating the world, ashamed of my loss or I could talk and share our experiences with others because this was now our story.
This mans face changed from panic to heartbreak the moment we told him. We told him we knew it was in God’s plan and he immediately hugged us told us he would pray for us. The Holy Spirit was there and we could see the work it was doing from that moment on.
“Take this mountain weight
Take these ocean tears
Hold me through the trial
Come like hope again”
We knew from there that this was something not meant to be a secret. Carter’s life could still have a purpose…there was still HOPE.