At 9:30, I drank the dreaded drink, that I really quite enjoy and then I went to wait for my doctor to check on the baby. I finally was called into the room and I decided to snap some pictures of my belly in themirror, primarily so this baby would not ask, “Mom, why do you have so many more pictures of Camden than of me…”
As I continue with the pictures, the doctor finally came in. He asked if anything was different and I mentioned to him that I hadn’t really felt the baby as much, but that I had just survived some sort of flu-pocalypse with Camden, and that we just haven’t had many moments of stillness. I assured him that it was probably just second child syndrome. He said, “let’s check that heartbeat”. He checked for five minutes and not for one of those minutes did I have a worry in the world. Never once did I ever think of the unimaginable. He said, “I’m so sorry to make you worry, the baby’s probably just in a bad position.” I remember thinking, Sir, I’m not worrying. I was actually pretty excited because it meant we could get an ultrasound and see baby Carter.
He said, “let’s get an ultrasound just to check” and sent me off. As I waited, they checked my glucose and I passed, so I finally got to eat and decided to call Caleb to tell him what was going on. For some reason, it was the first time I had a weird feeling. He usually is much more positive than me, and this time I could sense his worry. As they called me back, I still was clueless. I didn’t have one bad thought. I joked with the ultrasound tech and I was so excited as she rubbed that gel on my belly to see my baby. Then, after watching a few minutes, her smile changed and she said, “I’m so sorry, but there is no heartbeat.”
-Enter the first moment of worry in my mind- looking back, this baffles me too. How could I just then be worrying?
I asked her, “what does that mean?” Like I was completely clueless to how a body works and then, like a ton of bricks it hit me that my baby was dead. She asked me if I wanted to know what the gender was and she finally told me it was a baby girl.
A baby girl? What? I was totally wrong!? I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t hear, I couldn’t comprehend. And then I couldn’t see. My baby girl was dead?!
She asked me if there was someone I could call, and in that moment I had to muster up words to tell the love of my life that our baby was dead. It was the most surreal moment of my life. “…it was a girl.”
As I sobbed in the room, she told me we had to move to another room to talk to the doctor. At that moment, fear flooded my mind. I knew this big baby had to come out and I was scared to death.
I have researched so much about children in my life- but this was one thing I knew nothing about and I was terrified.
As I waited in the room, I just could not even process everything. I could not do anything but pray. What felt like 30 seconds after I called him, Caleb came in with tears in his eyes and for the first time as a married couple we experienced indescribable pain. We weeped and we mourned our baby girl. We knew this was the Lord’s plan, but in that moment, we also knew this was going to be the hardest thing we have ever gone through. We knew we would not get through this on our strength alone. We knew we had to cling to God in this moment tighter than we ever had…