Guilt… my least favorite part of the grieving process. I constantly have to be on guard for thoughts that sneak into my mind on a daily basis. The devil has such a way to overcome my mind and my thoughts and change my outlook on this whole thing.
You probably look at the picture and see pure joy. I now struggle with seeing the death of my baby girl. Doctors say she probably died 4 weeks before I delivered, putting her death on the week I took my little man to the beach alone. I definitely overdid it in pregnancy terms, I pretty much did the entire pregnancy…how do you not with a toddler. Doctors still do not have a firm “why” as to what happened. They say it wasn’t my fault and that sometimes this just happens. Somedays I don’t know if I would rather have an answer or not. For now, the not knowing is seeming to help but it doesn’t help the guilt that sneaks in.
That guilt sneaks up so fast in my mind. It comes full force , “I should have taken it easier”, “I should have gone to the doctor as soon as I didn’t feel the kicks anymore”, “I shouldn’t have had that coffee”. Y’all the “what if’s” come so fast, the only way I know to get rid of them is to PRAY and trust in God’s greater plan. The second I feel the gut-reaching guilt I have just fall to prayer. Sometime it brings me straight to my knees.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28
God is the only one who can take these burdens from our minds. Without the hope he gives us, these thoughts will stay and they will ruin your outlook on everything.
All I keep thinking about is the story of when King Herod ordered all the males under 3 to be killed. For the first time, I read that story as a mother who understands the parents of those boys and the guilt they probably felt. The guilt that they could have done something to save their child. The Bible says you could hear weaping and mourning throughout the whole city. In spite of their protests and prayers, they were unable to protect their child. I would imagine the “what if’s” flooded their minds.
This story now brings tears to my eyes but it also I’m reminds me of my GOOD God and that no suffering can touch us without having first received the permission of God. He is Sovereign. He allowed those slayings in Bethlehem and he allowed my little girl to die. As painful as this can be to face sometimes, I know that all of this is in his plan. His ways are much greater than mine.
Guilt can be a good thing if we let it. It can drive us closer to God and it can fuel our dependency on him. Don’t punish yourself by rewinding and replaying the tape of life to figure out if there was something you could have done differently. Instead, let this be a way to draw closer to God who is Sovereign and who sees past the right now to a much greater plan.