Fenway Partee…it hit me last night, how this journey to this loss has been planned and well thought out for a long time now. God has been significantly orchestrating my life from the beginning, but I’m now seeing clearly that this path towards loss started with my Fen. The other night at bible study, I realized that God has been orchestrating this loss in ways that I would have never put together.
You see, back in the day when following bloggers just started to be a thing, I started following Katelyn James- who now is a well know photographer and educator. She had this adorable Bichon Poo named Bokeh and I knew one day I had to have one myself. A few years later, I got married and then the baby need got stronger…I scoured the internet until one day my precious Fenway the Bichpoo came across my screen. It was love at first sight.
After we got our Fen, I kept following KJ Photography and I really fell in love with her, her family and her faith. She wasn’t afraid to shout the gospel and she was so eloquent in her writing. I just love her as a person and I loved the encouragement she always seemed to pass on, no matter the topic.
Fast forward about 7 years and she realized she was pregnant with a baby who was very sick. She was told her baby would probably not make it at a very early stage in pregnancy. They made the decision to continue the pregnancy and see what would happen, and of course they hoped for a miracle. I followed the whole journey, every second. I too wanted a miracle and I prayed so hard that the Lord would heal this child. I followed along as she learned the child would not survive and I watched her still exude Christ through it all. A few months later she had to deliver a baby with no heartbeat and it was the hardest thing I had ever read about.
A few months before Carter passed, she posted about her birth story. She shared all the joyful moments of her stillborn delivery and she shared moments that would make me burst into tears. She handled it with such grace and you could clearly see the Lord working in and through her. I shared the story with so many people to share this amazing peace she had through it all. I just could not get over the idea of loosing a child, saying “ I would never be able to get through that!” Or “I can’t imagine how she feels!”
Well, now looking back…i see God used her and her story to prepare my heart for my own story. I see how God put this random stranger in my life for encouragement and for me to know that I can get through this. It’s so crazy to think that 7 years ago I stumbled on someone on the internet who would help me get through the death of my child. It’s crazy to think I bought my Fenway because of this stranger. It’s even more crazy to think that her words and her light for Christ through the death of her child have given me encouragement to try to do the same thing.
You see, I could easily believe it’s crazy or I can trust that God clearly has been orchestrating this for quite some time. He’s been preparing my heart and he’s given me this unexplainable peace that I could have never had without him. God is using this moment and planning so much out of this tragedy. Each day, something beautiful is coming from this loss. Each day is filled with moments of “wow, all because of Carter’s life…” and for that I have to trust that his plans are always greater than mine.