I shared the other day my new “Magic Lights” in my living room! They are so cute, easy and most importantly AFFORDABLE! We had the biggest issue putting lights that weren’t too bring in our living room. We wanted to have light, but being on […]
Month: October 2018
“Even when my strength is lost, I’ll praise you. Even when I have no song,I’ll praise you. Even when it’s hard to find the words,
Louder then I’ll sing your praise.”
It was all we could do, cry and pray. The doctor told us, since there no risk to my health, we could choose to deliver whenever we wanted to. He gave us the option of delivering that afternoon. We told him we would leave and think about it and we headed to the car for the most surreal conversation…“when do we want to deliver our baby who has no breath?” Our hearts hurt and our thoughts were running wild but all we could do is remind each other that this was still God’s plan…Even though it hurt…more than words can describe.
“Even when it’s hard to find the words,
Louder then I’ll sing your praise.” So many times we sang these lyrics, never once did we truly know how hard this really was, until now.
I have never been more grateful to have a spouse. We rode home and made the decision to deliver that afternoon. My parents were watching Cam for my doctors appointment, so it worked out for them to stay the night. (Our first time ever away from Cam)…talk about hard… When the time came, we started to say our goodbyes and Camden made some “baby Carter” comment. I LOST it. In that moment I saw how different our life was about to be. How do we teach a Him that his baby sister is in Heaven when he is still a baby himself?! He understood so much of my pregnancy, I knew it was going to be a tough concept to teach. We were all crying and my daddy used that moment to pray for us all. We held each other sobbing and praying that we would have peace about this and that God’s will would be done.
Terrified, we rode to the hospital and ended up parking in wrong place. We walked up to a man who worked for the hospital, bags in tow and asked where the Labor and Delivery unit was. He started panicking and told us he would immediately call for a ride. I didn’t understand his panic for a little, until I realized he thought I was in labor. He kept checking on me to see if I was okay.
Right then I saw it clearly. I saw how this would impact others. I could use this moment to be mad at him for assuming and start crying, or I could use this as a way to shine a light some don’t ever get to see. I had to make a choice to either keep my secret or tell him my pain and my baby’s story. I knew this would be how every situation would be from here out. I could just ball up and cry, hating the world, ashamed of my loss or I could talk and share our experiences with others because this was now our story.
This mans face changed from panic to heartbreak the moment we told him. We told him we knew it was in God’s plan and he immediately hugged us told us he would pray for us. The Holy Spirit was there and we could see the work it was doing from that moment on.
“Take this mountain weight
Take these ocean tears
Hold me through the trial
Come like hope again”
We knew from there that this was something not meant to be a secret. Carter’s life could still have a purpose…there was still HOPE.
Man, you would have been the best big brother ❤️
Grieving mothers, this pillow has changed the grieving process for me. It is the exact weight of Carter and it make me feel like she’s in my arms every time I hold it. I sleep with it every night and I feel like I’m pregnant again. It has been incredible for healing and moving forward and I am so grateful for it!
Well, today is the day we celebrate my sweet baby girl’s life. My emotions are all over the place. I have moments of sheer joy about coming together to worship the Lord on this day and I have total sadness when I think of our loss. I just want to hold her, to smell her and to be needed by her-somedays the loss just hurts. No one plans to have a funeral for their child. It most definitely was no where on my radar. Even when they couldn’t find the heartbeat the first time, her dying was not once in my mind. I was more worried about when I could eat after my glucose test. Not once did I process loosing my baby in that moment.
Suffering and pain is never planned. We never look at life through a darkened lens until we have to. Sometimes it just doesn’t seem fair. But we live in a fallen world, and the pain and suffering of that fallen world touches our lives too. Nothing will be fair or perfect until we get to Heaven, which is we’re my little girl is. She is not suffering, she is not in pain. She does not have to walk to the trials of life. She is in the loving arms of my Savior and for that I have much to rejoice.
We know that our sovereign God makes no mistakes and that he is using her life to carry out a much greater plan than we could ever imagine. We will miss our little girl, but knowing that we will see her again one day how we can rejoice and celebrate in our suffering.
Our hope is that you understand that our relationship with Jesus Christ is the only way we can see things in this light and it is where all of our peace comes from. We serve a GOOD God, who is faithful and never failing.
Knowing that all thing are working for His good, changes the way any of us can handle any trial. Through our relationship in Him we know that Carter’s life was no mistake. He is using her in mighty ways and that is all we could have ever asked for as parents.
We look forward to seeing everyone today to celebrate her life and to worship!